How Will We Ever Have Anything Good Without the Federal Government?

It has come to my attention that nothing good is possible in this world if it is not directly supplied by the federal government. For instance,

• Millions of people will die if the federal government does not provide healthcare. 
• If the federal government does not provide 3% of Meals on Wheels funding then old people will starve. 
• No one will help out if they aren't bribed directly by the federal government.
• If the government does not fund the arts then no one will create, enjoy, or purchase art.
• If the NOAA is defunded there will be no one left to produce fraudulent climate studies.
• Millions of American girls will be forced to deliver deformed fetuses resulting from incestuous rapes if the federal government does not directly fund abortions.
• Without federally funded media corporations Americans will have no access to news or information.
• Without a heavily funded state department America's track record of excellent diplomacy will come to a screeching halt.

As it becomes increasingly obvious that everything good in life comes directly from the federal government, I can't help but develop a deep appreciation for the plights of our fore-bearers. For instance, my parents went through school before the creation of the Department of Education. It is heroic that they ever learned to read and write without the direction of a central bureaucracy.

As we go forth let's keep in mind that nothing good comes the private sector, let alone the non-federal tiers of government. There are no solutions to social and personal misfortunes except for those provided by the federal government. Thus any funding cuts are a direct assault on American's standards of living and, in many cases, morally equivalent to murder.